Emotions are complex and messy for most of us.
In actuality, I don’t know many people who don’t get their ass kicked by their emotions at times (including me).
Why is this?
I can sum it up in two words:
social conditioning
Most of us grew up in emotionally avoidant families.
The generations that came before us did not have access to the information about emotions that we have today. It’s safe to say that the generations above us did not understand the purpose of emotions and how to regulate or process their emotions, and this leads to intergenerational emotional avoidance that is programmed into us through social conditioning.
Most of our parents and grandparents viewed emotional expression as a weakness and taught us to keep our emotions under wrap. So many of us didn’t have the modeling to learn to explore our emotions with presence and get good at feeling. This lack of experience has likely led to emotional overwhelm or avoiding our emotions altogether.
In a nutshell, emotions are hard for most of us because we have been programmed to view our emotions as negative and to remain composed and in control of our emotions at all times. We are the byproduct of intergenerational emotional avoidance, and when we avoid something for so long, we don’t develop the skills to deal with our own emotions.
This is where I come in.
I have been studying emotions and psychology for 20 years! I have devoted two decades of my life to undoing the emotional programming that was handed down to me, and I have learned to defiantly express these more intimate aspects of who I am. This is where Inspired to Be Authentic came from; I wanted to inspire people to be their most authentic selves, and to me, nothing is more authentic than raw emotion.
I am a highly sensitive person and empath who feels deeply, so I knew I needed to learn skills to deal with my emotions and then be able to pass this wisdom on to you, my fellow seekers.
I want to pass on some of the most important lessons I have learned about emotions, so hopefully, you can get better at being with your own emotions and reap all the benefits that come with that. But first, I want to share why you would even want to feel your emotions. Without the ‘why’ there is no inspiration or motivation to make change. Let’s say you are someone who avoids their emotions, why on earth would you want to stop avoiding and start feeling, especially if in the past you were overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions?
The ‘why’ for me is pretty simple…
I have two main reasons why feeling my emotions is important to me:
1. If I am avoiding my emotions, I am avoiding ALL emotions. The same walls I put up to sadness are the same walls I put up to joy.
When I wasn’t feeling my emotions, I was numb. I needed substances, porn, food, sex, fitness, etc., to feel anything because my emotions were blunted. This eventually led to the realization that I was blocking love from entering my heart. I had a hard time receiving love because receiving love meant I had to feel my emotions. Wanting to open my heart to love was the main motivator to start feeling my emotions again after a decade of being emotionally avoidant.
2. Emotions are messengers of need. With every emotion comes data. The data informs us of needs being met (positive emotions) and needs not being met (negative emotions).
Without this data about our needs, we are not empowered to get our needs met. Getting our needs met is the birthplace of things like self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, empowerment, boundaries, secure relationships, etc. So when we start to feel our emotions, we will become clearer about our needs, which will lead to a better quality of life and a stronger sense of self. In essence, emotions are like our internal compass, showing us the way through life toward connecting to our most authentic selves.
So now that you know the ‘why,’ let’s explore the how…
If you are anything like me, you are more prone to avoid your emotions. In this case, you will need to start becoming aware of the ways in which you are avoiding your emotions. Awareness is 80% of this work, and the other 20% is courage, consistency, and application of tangible skills to deal with your emotions.
Once you get clear about the ways in which you are avoiding your emotions, you need to start to disarm these “emotion protector parts” – they protect you from feeling your emotions when you’re avoiding them, but when you choose to start feeling again they actually become “emotion preventer parts.” These are things like: distractions, dissociation, busyness, perfectionism, numbing, substances, scrolling, codependency, people pleasing, ghosting people, porn, sex, food, excessive work or fitness – basically, anything that prevents you from being with your emotions in a more slowed down, present and vulnerable way where emotions can be experienced.
When you start feeling emotions again after years of avoiding them, you might feel overwhelmed and flooded by your emotions – this is normal.
However, most people will revert back to avoidance when this happens because it feels too intense. I encourage you to stick with it, push through, and use some of my mindset reframes to help you along the way.
What’s important to note is emotions become what we make them become. In essence, we create how we feel based on the stories we tell ourselves about our emotions. We essentially judge our emotions, filter them through our painful past experiences, make meaning of them, and then they become more prolonged and intense.
Learning how to offer presence to your emotions without telling a story about them will allow space for the emotions to pass with greater ease. Emotions are energy that is trying to move through your nervous system. Emotions require presence and curiosity to pass through with ease. Presence allows the emotion to move without attaching a story to it, and curiosity allows you the receptivity to extract the data from the emotions so you can learn what the emotions are trying to communicate to you and prevent future emotional flooding caused by unmet needs.
When we don’t tell stories about our emotions, they can pass quicker because we are just allowing the energy to move through us without attaching too firmly to it. Think about a toddler who is having a tantrum…they get angry, they offer the emotion presence by having an outburst, and then minutes later, they are back to playing and laughing again. This is because they haven’t developed an ego, which is the part of us that tells stories about our emotions. The stories perpetuate our suffering and keep an emotion stuck in the mind for hours that could have passed through the body in minutes.
Have you ever heard of the phrase “if you’re not feeling it, you’re not healing it”?
It’s basically saying that we need to feel to heal. The hurt is the healing. 
The feeling is what allows the energy to discharge from our body. If you have not been feeling for years, you might have a backlog of emotions, and it might feel intense, but let me tell you from personal experience, when the stuck energy starts to move, it feels so good because it frees up so much energy in our body for others things so we can experience more stability, joy, peace, love, etc.
Many of us are walking around carrying years and even decades of unprocessed emotions. Carrying this heaviness over time causes disease, addiction, mental health issues, etc.
If I have one piece of advice to offer that I think would give you the best bang for your buck: slow down your life by 10%. Walk a little slower, talk a little slower, take on 10% less, notice your 5 senses 10% more, and offer presence to yourself so you can make space to feel. My book is a great resource to help you find more presence in your life so you can make this transformation: Be The Space: A Loving Guide to Creating Inner Space Through Present Moment Awareness.
My final thoughts
Trust that if you are feeling intensely right now, you are healing. Feelings don’t move through you to torture you; they move through you to heal you. Try not to judge your thoughts and feelings right now, and just let them flow. Big healing is happening, and your job is to allow the healing to happen by being present with yourself.
If you want to develop emotional intelligence and learn essential skills to regulate and process your emotions, then I highly recommend enrolling in one of my ARE group coaching programs.
If you’re ready to step into your power and thrive in being a feeler you can register for one of my upcoming offerings below.
ARE for HSP
A comprehensive online group coaching program for learning how to thrive as a HSP
Are you a highly sensitive person or empath looking for a supportive community?
Come join me on a 9-week journey where you will learn how to heal your relationship with yourself so you can feel empowered in your relationships with others.
Through teaching you life-changing skills and facilitating healing connections with like-hearted sensitives, each workshop will bring you closer to becoming the empowered person you deserve to be.
Learn more about the course here
ARE for Gay Men
~A comprehensive online group program for learning how to thrive as a gay man~
Are you a Gay Man looking for a supportive community?
Come join me on a 9-week journey where you will learn how to heal your relationship with yourself so you can feel empowered in your relationships with others.
Through teaching you life-changing skills and facilitating healing connections with like-minded gay men, each workshop will bring you closer to becoming the confident gay man you deserve to be.
Learn more about the course here
Lift your cheekbones,
Matt