Do you easily feel smothered in your relationships?
Do you easily lose yourself in your relationships or become “addicted” to your partner?
Do you easily push people away when things feel challenging?
Are your relationships often turbulent?
Do you want more security within yourself and your relationships?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, continue reading, I have a tip that might help you.
The way we show up in romantic relationships often reflects the relationships we had or were modelled in early childhood. If we were modelled healthy relational dynamics, chances are we will carry this into our adult relationships. On the other hand, if we were modelled chaos and conflict in our relationships, the chances are we may struggle in our adult relationships.
This is what an attachment style is. It is the way we have been conditioned or programmed in our relationships based on past relationships that shaped how we relate to ourselves and others.
We can either have an insecure or secure attachment style based on the way we feel and show up in our relationships.
Let’s take a deeper look at this…
Attachment theory has been studied in relationship psychology for decades and the research shows that there are 4 primary attachment styles:
Anxious Preoccupied
Relationships can often make you feel anxious, unsafe, or insecure because you fear being abandoned by your partner. As a result, you seek more closeness in your relationships, need constant reassurance, and can feel afraid if there is a strong sense your partner is pulling away. You may easily self-abandon and lose yourself in relationships due to becoming preoccupied with your partner or the relationship.
Dismissive Avoidant
Emotions can feel intense and overwhelming and can cause you to pull away from others due to feeling too vulnerable. You may find yourself withdrawing from situations or people where there may be conflict. You have a strong need for independence and this can cause challenges in your relationships. You may have inner conflict because you want to connect with others on a deeper level and desire affection and comfort but feel unsafe when people get close.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized)
Relationships can feel chaotic, confusing, and overwhelming because you swing between being avoidant and anxious. Depending on the relationship, you can shift between being “hot and cold,” often feeling confused about your feelings. Your partner may describe your behavior in the relationship as unpredictable and confusing.
Secure
You often feel comfortable and at ease in secure relationships. You’re also good at communicating your needs and feelings and feel open to vulnerability in healthy relationships. However, sometimes you can experience difficulty when relating to those who aren’t as secure in relationships. You bond better with secure people seeking close or long-term relationships.
People with insecure attachment styles have often experienced attachment traumas or attachment injuries that influence the way they see relationships. There is often a lot of fear associated with relationships and they don’t feel safe being vulnerable in relationships due to past experiences.
Insecure attachment can be caused by adverse childhood experiences such as: neglect, abandonment, smothering, boundary violations, abuse, betrayal, chaos in the home, inconsistent parenting, not feeling emotionally validated, not feeling seen, heard or know, not feeling like you matter, not feeling loved, etc.
If you struggle in your relationships, it might be that you have an insecure attachment style. If this is the case, knowledge is power, and once you understand your attachment style, you will understand what you need to do to make your relationships feel more safe and secure.
When I took the test about 10 years ago it was such a game changer for me! I discovered I had a disorganized attachment style and it sent me on a healing journey that has made relationships less chaotic and more secure.
It only takes 5 mins to find out what your attachment style is.
Take the test here
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Matt