If you’re on my email list, you probably know a bit about my story by now. But for those of you who are new here, or don’t know much about me yet, I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. For the most part I have it managed but it can flair up sometimes out of nowhere and wreak havoc in my life. Yesterday was one of those days and it took me down for the day.
You know those days where you try everything to feel better but nothing seems to work? It was one of those days. I am convinced that these days are teachers for us. They are asking us to dig deep and look within. I know for me, when I am feeling that dark, the last thing I want to do is go within and feel the darkness. I usually want to keep moving so I don’t have to feel it. This always makes it worse for me, but sometimes I just forget all the stuff I know about feeling better when things get really dark and I just enter survival mode. This isn’t ideal, but its part of being human and I am learning to practice compassion for myself when things feel this way. I may be a counsellor, but that does not mean I don’t struggle with life at times, after all, I am human and have my own struggles. My struggles are also rich with lessons and it is these very lessons that I get my teachings from to share with you. As a wounded healer, I have mastered the art of transmuting my pain into my purpose. Most days I can cultivate gratitude for this dharma, but some days I see it as a huge pain in the ass, lol.
Sometimes on my darker days, when the tools in my toolbox don’t seem to be helping, I am reminded that maybe I am not meant to use one of my own tools. Maybe I am meant to reach out for support and get a tool from someone else. I did not reach out to anyone yesterday because I was telling an old familiar story that I have that no one will be able to help me when I am feeling this dark, and also, I don’t want to burden anyone with my pain (I am working on healing these beliefs right now using EMDR).
My day took a turn when a friend reached out to me. Not in the traditional way of reaching out, he reached out to me in the way that this friend and I communicate, we basically just send each other songs with the odd “you still alive” thrown in there. He sent me the song “To conquer pain with love” by: Mariam The Believer. This song hit me in the exact spot that needed TLC. It softened me into myself so I could slow down and access the heaviness I was experiencing. I laid down on my bed and held my hand on my heart and just felt the heaviness that I spent most of the day trying to busy myself away from.
The way we are all connected as human beings never ceases to amaze me. My friend likely never knew what I was specifically experiencing, but his soul knew the right time and right song to send to me in that moment, and he engaged in inspired action to help me through my heavy experience. We are all, consciously and unconsciously, participating in this cosmic exchange with one another. We are all angels for one another at certain times in our journey. It is important to be humble and open to receive support, and equally important to follow those intuitive hits we get to reach out to a friend when they pop into our minds. I am grateful for my friend sending me that song yesterday because it helped me slow down and access the part of myself that needed tenderness. This experience also gave me inspiration for my content this week so I am doubly grateful.
If you are someone who struggles with depression, you are not alone.
It’s a real struggle sometimes when the dark cloud comes over you and lingers there. It creates a feeling of hopelessness and despair that things will never feel better. It is really important during these times to find connection with people who just let you be depressed and not try and cheer you up. Depression is calling us to rest and shed aspects of ourselves that are no longer serving us. When someone tries to cheer us up out of depression, they are pulling us away from a transformative process and saying its not okay for you to be this way. I find that authentic connection is the best remedy for depression, when we feel connected to authentically, we can soften into the connection, be authentic, let our pain be seen and felt with another, and it often dissipates. But someone trying to cheer me up just makes me feel like I need to mask how much pain I am in because I can sense it makes them uncomfortable to see me in pain. These are not safe people for me to share my depression with. I want to share some concrete tips you can use to be a safe person for someone to share their pain with.
For those of you who have never experienced depression but maybe you have someone in your life who has depression here is some advice in how to relate to someone struggling with depression.
4 tips to becoming a safe person someone can share their depression with:
1. Connection over correction
People who are depressed don’t want to be fixed or solved. they want space to be what they are feeling without feeling like they are a burden. Trying to fix them or cheer them up is likely a projection of our own discomfort with sadness.
2. Get curious by asking questions
Take a genuine interest in them by asking questions about what they are experiencing.
3. Listen to them
Actively listen to what they have to say. Most people in pain just want to be seen and heard in what they are experiencing because they likely feel alone in their experience. This can help alleviate any shame people who are depressed tend to feel about being depressed.
4. Validate what they are experiencing
Simple statements of validation can go a long way. This might sound like: “It’s okay to feel what you are feeling, you don’t have to be “on” for me” or “whatever you’re feeling, it okay to feel it – I am here for you” or “I have had periods of depression in my life too and I know what you’re going through – you are not alone”.
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Lift your cheekbones
Matt